mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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