hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
