She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
