The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
