I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
