wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
