He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
