can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize