Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize