There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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