'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
