things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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