Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
