ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
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