Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
