All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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