So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
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