i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
