Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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