If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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