i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
