you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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