Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
