I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
