There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
