Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
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