Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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