Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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