My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
