I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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