Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize