I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize