Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
