And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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