I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
