Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I have aggressive nipples.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
