Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
