She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
