I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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