What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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