Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
