Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
