FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
