and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
