Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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