The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize