My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
