I met the friendliest cop last night
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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