i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
