mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
