i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
