three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
