I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
