Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
