Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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