1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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