Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
