; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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