Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
