it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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