She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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