burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
