who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
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