Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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