Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
