those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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