guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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