ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize