I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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