Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
