please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
