apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
