My sheets look like a crime scene.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
